In an ongoing journey of finding yourself, you always suspect there to be an end. That suddenly you will be faced with a version of yourself that is somehow wholly yours and wholly you. I don’t think that that is true, or ever could be.
I did not think it could ever be possible to grow any more than I did in my first year of university. But I was so very wrong. I had a lot still to learn.
For one thing I had to learn how to be fully independent and figure things out for myself. Transferring to a new school was not only beneficial program-wise, but an important step in growing. I was for the first time in my life, in a situation where I was completely by myself. And I had to figure things out by myself. And I had to learn a lot of things about that too.
I had to learn how to be happy.
That was the hardest lesson of all. I had to learn how to be happy. Not just happy with myself, but happy with everything. It’s true what they say, you know? About treating everything like it is an adventure. Like going to the grocery store to get toilet paper is something worth making into a big deal. Because maybe you couldn’t get yourself out of bed past 12. And maybe you had to make yourself eat something. And maybe that was the only reason for you to get dressed. But it is something.
Realizing that whether you stay in bed all day miserable or get up and go get toilet paper and be happy, are things that are totally in your control. And I didn’t want to stay in bed all day miserable anymore. Once I learned, at least the beginning, of how to be happy, it was so much easier to find a home and to find my place here.
And I’ve learned that good and bad things come in waves.
We have to lean on each other and we have to take turns. If you’ve found your person, like I have, this part becomes a whole lot easier. You learn how to be equally part vulnerable and strong. You learn when to break and when to be supportive. Because they are the only person who can just look at you and really see you. See everything and not want to change anything. See everything and know exactly how you're doing and what to do.
Somedays they will need you and you will be there. And somedays you will need them, and they will be there for you too. But it’s important never to take them for granted. Because good and bad things come in waves.
And I’ve learned that life happens.
One of the hardest things is being here and not having time, because life happens. You just have to make good the time that you have. And sometimes things don’t work out and things fall through. But there will be other days.
And I continue to learn that if I’m bolder than the darkness I will continue to learn how to be more and more independent. And I will continue to learn how to be happy. And I will continue to learn that sometimes you will be someone’s shelter and they will be your storm. And I will continue to learn that sometimes life just happens.
What I know for sure, though, is that down these roads that wander as lost as our hearts, we’ll find ourselves. It won’t be a means to an end, but a journey of forever finding ourselves. And we will learn.
