Returning Home

And just like that a month has passed. 

It seems much longer than a month. It took a long time to get used to being at home. It was hard at first. Those first couple days were so disconcerting. I was glad I was done but so in shock at being home again as well. 

It's scary having a great expanse of time ahead of you and not knowing how you're going to come out of it. 

It's scary knowing that change is going to occur and not being able to control it. That when I go back to the city things will be different. 

Maybe I will be different. 

Maybe friendships will be different. 

And that's scary. 

You wouldn't think at first that four months could change a whole lot of things. But I knew that eight months changed more than a whole lot of things.

I think I am finally in a routine and rhythm not only in my time here but in the time I invest in keeping up with people and staying in touch as well. All in all it's become easier. 

My anxiety and stress and nostalgia and loneliness and sadness has just become a lot more manageable. And I'm no longer reliant on certain things to get me up in the morning. 

I'm trying to be wherever I am, and be all there. It's proven to be a lot more difficult then you would first expect. But it's helping. 

Coming up to a countdown of days till I return to the city I can't help but wonder amidst my excitement if this will set me back again or if it will rejuvenate me. It's a fair observation, but I'm looking forward to it too much to be put off or worry about the consequences too much. 

A reunion with my best friend, retail therapy, city therapy...it's all sounding like I'd be a fool if I passed it up. And so three days from now I will have three days to recharge my battery. To stock up on memories and Starbuck's runs and city life before returning back home. 

And I'm way too excited. 

And I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here...

How do you extract yourself from somewhere dark? How do you manage to tell yourself that everything will be okay? That despite the uncertainty and the monotony, that it'll be fine. 
How do you stop yourself from moping? How do you enjoy yourself when things don't go as planned? That despite the busyness and not being able to see the friends that make you the happiest, you go on. 

You just do. And it's hard. And it's a daily and momental choice. A choice to be happy, to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to choose to be what you want your situation to look like. To shape your circumstances and make the most of it. 

These last few weeks of school are going to be so busy. It's hard to imagine that we only have 16 more days left. September was yesterday, but it was also decades ago. I can see the person I was then and the person I am now, and they are light years apart. I would hardly recognize myself. I wouldn't take the late nights, the multitude of exams and essays, the Starbuck's runs, the afternoon adventures, the laughs, the cries, not anything back, to be that person again. Because I think I like whom I'm becoming. And I have experienced nothing but growth these past seven months. 

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter -- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

I think sometimes things take you by surprise. And you catch yourself as you're pouring out your soul. And you catch yourself as you give them a piece of yourself. And there are several moments in the coming weeks where you get a little panicky because you don't know if you'll be able to go on without it. And there are so many hard moments, and really really good moments. And memories that will last a lifetime. And somehow the uncertainty of the future has disappeared and you're just living in the moment -- with them. 

And that is what I can take with me from this year. All of those times. With her. Because I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here.

And yes these coming weeks will be a whirlwind, and time will not be on our side, but it's a comfort to know that we did have these times and that we are only nineteen and that the summer is only four months and that next year will just be around the corner...

Pinterest Inspiration // 11

1. Gardenista 2. Nessa K 3. Unknown 4. Unknown 5. Vogue Beauty

Somehow I've made it through my first batch of midterms and essays, nothing worse for wear as far as I can tell...except perhaps my dishes are piling up which poses a problem when you want to have a cup of tea, or just one spoonful of ice cream. Not that that's what's happened here anyway...

What I'm trying to say I suppose is that I am in great need of some inspiration! Out with the books and psych terms and in with some sweet nothings!

1. My dorm room is quite drab I would say, I need to get on this temporary gallery wall idea. Nat! I think there's a photo-booth calling our name! And we should be all over that :)

2. Lately, Paris and London seem to be on my mind. I've been going through some of my blogposts where I've posted pictures of my trip last June, while listening to Ben Howard, that is basically a recipe for nostalgia! (P.S. you can too if you want, just click, here, here, here and here)

3. Monochrome? Yes. 

4. I've been thinking a lot about the future and people I love. I get sad thinking that I might have to say goodbye to them for what seems like ages, but will probably only be a moment in time. And I've noticed that they are the ones that "get it". They just do. And it's amazing. It's also terrifying thinking that they might be gone. What if I don't find anyone else that "gets it"?

5. My ideal red. I've been thinking of going red off and on for a long time now. This reading week just might be the time! Who knows!

A Little Bit More About Me...

Despite the fact that I have two essays to write and two midterms to be studying for, I could not resist the urge to write. Just for the sake of writing. Awhile back Bonjour Luce, did a post similar to this that I was myself inspired to do. So here is a little bit more about me...

City or Countryside? Countryside girl most days, City girl the rest of the time ;)
Cats or Dogs? No question. Dogs!
Sweet or Savoury? Sweet
Dresses or Jeans? Dresses
Heels or Flats? Flats
Beyonce or Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift
Tea or Coffee? Tea
Night or Morning? Night Owl
Summer or Winter? Fall!
Books or Magazines? Books

What is your favourite...?
City? Paris
Blogger? Meg Fee 
Movie? Pride & Prejudice (2005)
TV Show? Downton Abbey or New Girl
Nail Polish? Essie's 'Skirting the Issue'
Lipstick? Red!
Colour? To wear, Navy
Meal? Pancakes for supper!
Actor/Actress? Jennifer Lawrence and Felicity Jones
Singer Songwriter? Ben Howard and/or Andrew Belle
Band? Mumford & Sons
Weekend haunt? Strathcona Market and Whyte Ave. 
Year? Can I say this year? Because my 19th year has been pretty great so far!

What accomplishment are you most proud of?
I would say that I am most proud of my blog. Most of my posts I have put in so much time and effort into and poured my soul and creativity into. I love seeing how much I have grown as a person through this blog and how far I have come with my writing and my photography. It's been something that I can rely on to get me through a lot of hard times and stages in my life. Writing is so therapeutic and this blog has in a sense given me reason and motivation to write and to write some things that I am proud of.  

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Have I grown up already? I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was in elementary I remember there was three things that I would list, Psychologist, Baker and Interior Decorator! Quite the spectrum haha

What are some things that scare you?
Right now, the future scares me. I don't know what I am doing or where it's taking me or where I want to go -- and that's scary. The future has always been somewhat scary as I've grown up, I think now more than ever however, I feel like I am supposed to be grown up and know what I am doing... and I really don't! When I was a kid though, dark hallways or staircases! Especially the staircase in my grandma's house haha

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I am very much an introvert. There are only certain people in my life where I don't feel physically exhausted and drained from spending an extended period of time with them. I can be a pretty good mix of both though I think. 

What is your favourite thing about University?
I am in the beginning of my second semester and Uni has been good to me. My school is so small so the connection with your classmates and your professors are unparalleled to larger Universities. School-wise I love learning in general but one of my favourite subjects that has opened up my mind is Sociology. I love being able to stretch the way I think and realizing some of the influences of society on us as individuals has done just that. Also being an English junkie I love analyzing and discussing the literature that we read! One of my favourite things that's not school related is having adventures. I am lucky to have met some amazing people here and I can say one of my closest and dearest friend shares a love for adventures and photography. I love getting lost with her, it is always a good time! We took the pictures above on a little walk in the river valley by our campus right before a pizza/movie night! It was the perfect end to the week <3

H A P P Y * N E W * Y E A R

"But hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering 'it will be happier'..." 

~ Alfred Tennyson

We gather around loved ones and friends celebrating the passing year -- all of it's laughs, milestones, heartache, and fear -- and hope for the year to come to be happier. 

So many good and hard things this year. So many new experiences and dreams accomplished. And I am so grateful for all of these opportunities! 

This year I went to Europe for the first time, gazed at the Eiffel Tower, walked along the Thames, wandered through the winding roads of the Lake District and saw the sea for the very first time amoung the sand dunes on England's southern coast.

I moved away from home to go to school in the city, met some amazing people, went on loads of adventures, discovered a little bit more of myself and what a friend could be.

Each new experience has widened my horizons and increased my dreams. Even though it might not have steered me in a clear direction, I'm a little bit more made whole by it. 

Twenty-fourteen was good for me. 

Heres to the New Year!

IN THE ENDING...

It's started with nervous smiles and pounding hearts, fumbled textbooks and perfectly set up rooms, awkward first encounters and quiet classrooms.

It's been almost 14 wks. 

"The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either." ~ Ricky Gervais

When it seems like everyone knows each other, everyone has their routine down, it's intimidating. For the first couple of weeks I had to remind myself that this was not the case. We're all just pretending. We're all just pretending to keep it together, to create an environment that we want to live in. 

I was so lucky to be able to find a friend that I connected with almost instantaneously.

The first time I met her I was terrified. I was enveloped in my own insecurities. And it seemed like she had it all together. Like she was someone who just knew who she was and that was intimidating for someone who felt like I did not have it all together.

I am being completely honest when I say that she is the best thing that has happened to me this first semester of my University experience. And I know that I am a better version of myself just in knowing her.

I think we both opened up a little bit more than we expected the first real talk we ever had. We took a lot of walks and wanders down in the river valley that fall. A lot of adventures downtown Edmonton. A lot of jam-sessions laying on the grass on campus or relaxing in Teg. A lot more talks. A lot more dreaming.

It's safe to say she is one of my favourites! I'm so thankful for her support and friendship.

One of the things about being an overly stressed out child -- who frankly gave herself panic attacks on the regular -- living in a household with a psychologist as a father and a mother who was always there to comfort you. You learn how to cope efficiently with a high amount of stress, even if most of it was self-induced. And know that it was just self-induced.

I think what I'm getting at here is that I was surprised how calm I was in situations that would have stressed me to the max when I was younger.

I learned to do everything in my power to do well and learn to know it was enough. And that doing my best was enough.

And I am so happy that University has been good to me. It's going to be so different next semester and it makes me equally as scared as I was at the beginning of this one. It's startling to find yourself so comfortable in a situation and have it upended from one moment to the next. 

Change is scary. Getting comfortable is hard. I hope I can get comfortable in a new normal in this next stage of University as fast as I did in the first. 

But now in this moment I am being fired at by a squad of professors -- in the form of Finals. And I am so ready for this Christmas break. 

Even though after all this time I am only a little bit closer to figuring out who I am. Even though I'm not any closer at figuring out who I want to be. 

I think I like who I am becoming. 

And in the ending, there is nervous laughter and pounding hearts, 

papers strewn across desks and terms floating around aimlessly in your head, 

sad goodbyes 

and quiet classrooms.

Pinterest Inspiration // 10

1.  Unknown 2. The Virtual Typewriter 3. Wide Eyed Legless 4. Purl Soho 5. Steve Madden 6. The Vanilla Bean Blog

1. The ultimate minimal, chill outfit and somehow still appearing stylish.

2. "I will learn to love the skies I'm under." Mumford & Sons need to bring out a new album a.s.a.p.!!

3. A cute mini low bun -- #hairgoals

4. I am starting to crochet a white and black scarf using People Webs pattern...I'm starting to wish I had this colour though.

5. I have yet to pick up a pair of boots for winter... I have been wearing flats or else my ever trusty moccasin booties. The snow will be upon us any second now and I should really be prepared. This Steve Madden pair is definitely on my wishlist!

6. Can we just appreciate the oozing chocolate from this perfectly presented chocolate cake...mhmmm...

* * *

School has been such a learning curve so far, I've figured that university is where you discover you suck at what you always thought you were good at, I'm hoping this is just a product of being out of practice. Hopefully I will do better for this next set of essays that are coming due all too fast. 

On another note if you haven't already checked out Ben Howard's new album "I Forget Where We Were," I would strongly advise you to do so at your earliest convenience, Ben has a knack for such poetical and soothing lyrics and songs, it's been on repeat almost everyday the past couple of weeks. 

Also Taylor Swift. (Don't judge.)