T W E N T Y

Twenty seems like a monumental age. Like some sort of invisible line you have finally crossed. Twenty-somethings are pulled together. They know what they are doing and what they want. 

It’s kind of disappointing really.

Here I have crossed this line and I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I still struggle just to be okay. And somehow that doesn’t seem like I have things pulled together or that I know what I am doing or what I want. And to be honest I really really don’t. 

And that’s kind of scary. 

Life doesn’t work out as planned. It’ doesn’t fit the checklist that you made when you were twelve. It doesn’t fall into place. Not in my experience. 

Life is messy. Life has 2 a.m. nights full of tears. Life has days where you can’t get out of bed. Life doesn’t always feel right. It doesn’t always feel like everything is okay. It doesn’t always feel like it’s worth putting on that smile. Or worth approaching that person. 

And I think I’ve learned that it is okay to not be okay. I think I’ve learned that it’s only me who can put that smile on my face. It’s only me who can take that step out of bed. 

And sometimes that is really really hard. And sometimes I can’t do it everyday. 

But that’s okay.

I don’t think twenty-something’s have it all figured. I don’t think that some people are just better at living than I am. I think sometimes it’s just easy to disguise what we are really going through. And sometimes that can go a lot deeper than anyone can ever imagine or surmise. 

So at only twenty years of age I think I can safely say that I think I’ve figured out how to get by. 

And for right now, that will have to be enough. 

This is a problem.

I can't lie sometimes I am enveloped in all the things I cannot do. 

Sometimes I think that I am not good enough to do this or that. And I am my own worse enemy for believing in these thoughts. 

I am struck with an overwhelming sadness however, when I hear young girls do the same. Because someone told them that girls could not do that, that society has made them believe that they are not good enough. 

Why would you want your kids to grow up in a world where they are taught not what their abilities are, or what their mind can achieve, but what society has deemed what they can and cannot do. 

When you go to a waterpark and girls as young as five years old are clutching their arms across their rounded stomachs. When sitting under a metal frame tent a six year old girl exclaims that she bets it was 'a men' who put it up because girls couldn't do it. 

At some point someone has to tell them that they are perfect, that their beauty and self-worth is not determined by what they see as their imperfections. And at some point someone has to stop and tell them that they can do whatever they set their minds to, that their ability is not dictated by their gender. 

And then maybe we'd have girls be girls again. Where body image is positive. Where we are free from the afflictions of what size of jeans we wear or how flat our stomach is. 

And then maybe it wouldn't be a question of whether or not a guy or a girl could do it, but 'who' could do it. And then maybe we would be living in a world of ability, that wasn't hindered by something as trivial as gender. 

This matter does not just affect girls either, I am fully aware of that, gender equality is not just a battle for women.

But if you see something like this in a mind that does not know the full extent of the effects that this thinking has on them, I beg of you to correct it. To tell them how wrong it is to think that way. And then maybe we can fix it. 

A Change in Name

It's been over three years since I started this blog. It seems so weird to think about. My sixteen year old self trying to muss up some kind of creative outlet, safe place, home.

I've been thinking about it for awhile, a change in name, that is. Something that reflected what I started out to do and what it has turned out to be. Something that could last. 

"And I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here" ~ Ben Howard

That is one of my most favourite images. 

I hope to never forget the plans and silhouettes I draw here. 

As much as this is me trying to figure out so many different feelings and figuring out how to live life, it's also a very real memoir, a living one. It's not often that I read over my posts, but when I do I gain a perspective of how far I've come and how so many things have changed since then. 

I hope to continue to write and to continue to figure this thing out.

And I guess if you are reading this now you would like me to as well.

So...here is to all of the plans and silhouettes I draw here. To all of the plans and silhouettes I have already laid out, to those unwritten, to those that I cannot yet find the words for, to those that I haven't even thought of, I hope never to forget any of them.

two a.m. goodnights

enveloped in everything that we remember, 

long drawn out conversations, 

life, friendship, love, the future,

I feel so close to you right now,

distance has shrunk,

time stands still and races forward,

a minute becomes an hour, 

reluctant realizations of tomorrow turned into today,

I’m in love,

with two a.m. goodnights.

Returning Home

And just like that a month has passed. 

It seems much longer than a month. It took a long time to get used to being at home. It was hard at first. Those first couple days were so disconcerting. I was glad I was done but so in shock at being home again as well. 

It's scary having a great expanse of time ahead of you and not knowing how you're going to come out of it. 

It's scary knowing that change is going to occur and not being able to control it. That when I go back to the city things will be different. 

Maybe I will be different. 

Maybe friendships will be different. 

And that's scary. 

You wouldn't think at first that four months could change a whole lot of things. But I knew that eight months changed more than a whole lot of things.

I think I am finally in a routine and rhythm not only in my time here but in the time I invest in keeping up with people and staying in touch as well. All in all it's become easier. 

My anxiety and stress and nostalgia and loneliness and sadness has just become a lot more manageable. And I'm no longer reliant on certain things to get me up in the morning. 

I'm trying to be wherever I am, and be all there. It's proven to be a lot more difficult then you would first expect. But it's helping. 

Coming up to a countdown of days till I return to the city I can't help but wonder amidst my excitement if this will set me back again or if it will rejuvenate me. It's a fair observation, but I'm looking forward to it too much to be put off or worry about the consequences too much. 

A reunion with my best friend, retail therapy, city therapy...it's all sounding like I'd be a fool if I passed it up. And so three days from now I will have three days to recharge my battery. To stock up on memories and Starbuck's runs and city life before returning back home. 

And I'm way too excited. 

And I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here...

How do you extract yourself from somewhere dark? How do you manage to tell yourself that everything will be okay? That despite the uncertainty and the monotony, that it'll be fine. 
How do you stop yourself from moping? How do you enjoy yourself when things don't go as planned? That despite the busyness and not being able to see the friends that make you the happiest, you go on. 

You just do. And it's hard. And it's a daily and momental choice. A choice to be happy, to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to choose to be what you want your situation to look like. To shape your circumstances and make the most of it. 

These last few weeks of school are going to be so busy. It's hard to imagine that we only have 16 more days left. September was yesterday, but it was also decades ago. I can see the person I was then and the person I am now, and they are light years apart. I would hardly recognize myself. I wouldn't take the late nights, the multitude of exams and essays, the Starbuck's runs, the afternoon adventures, the laughs, the cries, not anything back, to be that person again. Because I think I like whom I'm becoming. And I have experienced nothing but growth these past seven months. 

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter -- they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

I think sometimes things take you by surprise. And you catch yourself as you're pouring out your soul. And you catch yourself as you give them a piece of yourself. And there are several moments in the coming weeks where you get a little panicky because you don't know if you'll be able to go on without it. And there are so many hard moments, and really really good moments. And memories that will last a lifetime. And somehow the uncertainty of the future has disappeared and you're just living in the moment -- with them. 

And that is what I can take with me from this year. All of those times. With her. Because I will never forget the plans and the silhouettes you drew here.

And yes these coming weeks will be a whirlwind, and time will not be on our side, but it's a comfort to know that we did have these times and that we are only nineteen and that the summer is only four months and that next year will just be around the corner...

Pinterest Inspiration // 11

1. Gardenista 2. Nessa K 3. Unknown 4. Unknown 5. Vogue Beauty

Somehow I've made it through my first batch of midterms and essays, nothing worse for wear as far as I can tell...except perhaps my dishes are piling up which poses a problem when you want to have a cup of tea, or just one spoonful of ice cream. Not that that's what's happened here anyway...

What I'm trying to say I suppose is that I am in great need of some inspiration! Out with the books and psych terms and in with some sweet nothings!

1. My dorm room is quite drab I would say, I need to get on this temporary gallery wall idea. Nat! I think there's a photo-booth calling our name! And we should be all over that :)

2. Lately, Paris and London seem to be on my mind. I've been going through some of my blogposts where I've posted pictures of my trip last June, while listening to Ben Howard, that is basically a recipe for nostalgia! (P.S. you can too if you want, just click, here, here, here and here)

3. Monochrome? Yes. 

4. I've been thinking a lot about the future and people I love. I get sad thinking that I might have to say goodbye to them for what seems like ages, but will probably only be a moment in time. And I've noticed that they are the ones that "get it". They just do. And it's amazing. It's also terrifying thinking that they might be gone. What if I don't find anyone else that "gets it"?

5. My ideal red. I've been thinking of going red off and on for a long time now. This reading week just might be the time! Who knows!

A Little Bit More About Me...

Despite the fact that I have two essays to write and two midterms to be studying for, I could not resist the urge to write. Just for the sake of writing. Awhile back Bonjour Luce, did a post similar to this that I was myself inspired to do. So here is a little bit more about me...

City or Countryside? Countryside girl most days, City girl the rest of the time ;)
Cats or Dogs? No question. Dogs!
Sweet or Savoury? Sweet
Dresses or Jeans? Dresses
Heels or Flats? Flats
Beyonce or Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift
Tea or Coffee? Tea
Night or Morning? Night Owl
Summer or Winter? Fall!
Books or Magazines? Books

What is your favourite...?
City? Paris
Blogger? Meg Fee 
Movie? Pride & Prejudice (2005)
TV Show? Downton Abbey or New Girl
Nail Polish? Essie's 'Skirting the Issue'
Lipstick? Red!
Colour? To wear, Navy
Meal? Pancakes for supper!
Actor/Actress? Jennifer Lawrence and Felicity Jones
Singer Songwriter? Ben Howard and/or Andrew Belle
Band? Mumford & Sons
Weekend haunt? Strathcona Market and Whyte Ave. 
Year? Can I say this year? Because my 19th year has been pretty great so far!

What accomplishment are you most proud of?
I would say that I am most proud of my blog. Most of my posts I have put in so much time and effort into and poured my soul and creativity into. I love seeing how much I have grown as a person through this blog and how far I have come with my writing and my photography. It's been something that I can rely on to get me through a lot of hard times and stages in my life. Writing is so therapeutic and this blog has in a sense given me reason and motivation to write and to write some things that I am proud of.  

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Have I grown up already? I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was in elementary I remember there was three things that I would list, Psychologist, Baker and Interior Decorator! Quite the spectrum haha

What are some things that scare you?
Right now, the future scares me. I don't know what I am doing or where it's taking me or where I want to go -- and that's scary. The future has always been somewhat scary as I've grown up, I think now more than ever however, I feel like I am supposed to be grown up and know what I am doing... and I really don't! When I was a kid though, dark hallways or staircases! Especially the staircase in my grandma's house haha

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I am very much an introvert. There are only certain people in my life where I don't feel physically exhausted and drained from spending an extended period of time with them. I can be a pretty good mix of both though I think. 

What is your favourite thing about University?
I am in the beginning of my second semester and Uni has been good to me. My school is so small so the connection with your classmates and your professors are unparalleled to larger Universities. School-wise I love learning in general but one of my favourite subjects that has opened up my mind is Sociology. I love being able to stretch the way I think and realizing some of the influences of society on us as individuals has done just that. Also being an English junkie I love analyzing and discussing the literature that we read! One of my favourite things that's not school related is having adventures. I am lucky to have met some amazing people here and I can say one of my closest and dearest friend shares a love for adventures and photography. I love getting lost with her, it is always a good time! We took the pictures above on a little walk in the river valley by our campus right before a pizza/movie night! It was the perfect end to the week <3